Parenting 101

 If I am being completely honest, one of my greatest fears has always been that I will not be a good parent. I am afraid that I won't know how to teach my children the things that they need to know. What if they don't become the people that they have the potential to become because of something that I do or don't do? That fear has led me to try to become the best teacher that I can be now, hoping that having the skill of teaching will be enough. But will it? Is parenthood simply about the things that you teach your children?

This week we talked about parenting and the theories about what is needed to parent successfully. Sometimes, when we are in a position of authority, we feel like it is our responsibility to be in control of the actions or behaviors of those under us. This applies to parenthood, job responsibilities, and a multitude of other responsibilities. Focusing specifically on parenthood, the majority of the time, parents seek to achieve control over their children's behavior in two ways: through punishment and threats, or through reward and promises. While we spoke of this in class, I couldn't help but think about how, when these are applied, children have a difficult time establishing a correct locus of control in their lives. The understanding that they have control over what happens in their lives will not be gained because they will simply react to punishments or rewards.

What social scientist Michael Popkin suggests is that we allow children to experience the natural consequences of their actions. This allows children to interact with reality instead of being acted upon by their parents. Allowing children to experience the natural consequences of their actions will help them to recognize that all of their decisions have consequences, whether they be positive or negative. I think of the way that I was raised by my parents and think they did an incredible job of applying this kind of parenting in my life. My parents made their expectations and rules very clear to us while still allowing us our agency to make choices for ourselves whether we would follow those rules and expectations. However, they also made it clear to us that those choices would have consequences. A phrase that was often heard in my family was "You can choose that but just know (blank) will be the consequence of that choice." I have always appreciated that approach because it taught me early in my life that all of my choices have some kind of consequence. It also taught me to be aware that my choices affect others, making it all that more important to think through the choices that I am making.

Another important thing to understand with regard to parenting is that children, just like everyone else in the world, have needs that must be met. We, as humans, all have the same needs, and too often we don't recognize that the behavior of others is based in some ways off of whether they are having those needs met or not.

These needs include:

— Contact and Belonging

— Power over ourselves and our environment

— Withdraw from unpleasant situations

— Protection from unpleasant experiences

— Challenge our abilities

When these needs aren't met, it is easy to see through the behaviors of others, especially in children or teens as they are still developing the ability to provide those needs for themselves. These behaviors can include things like rebellion, actions to receive any kind of attention, revenge seeking or inappropriate risk taking, etc. As a parent, if you can understand that those behaviors are a result of a need not being met, you will better understand how to behave yourself to fulfill the needs of your children.